Fucking Ewoks

My brother Jonas invited his punk friend Christian over to our house today. The two of them are sitting up towards the front of the school bus, close to the driver talking about whatever it is that dorks like them, talk about. I figure it’s one of two subjects, Star Wars or RUSH. Who knows, maybe they’ve figured out a way to talk about both things at once, the fucking homos. Know what would probably give the both of them synchronized wet dreams? If Neil Pert (that’s the drummer from RUSH and the only reason I know that is that the two of them sit around and masturbate to his fucking records all day long) was in the Return of the Jedi or something. Actually, even that might be better than the Ewoks. Talk about gay. The fucking Ewoks ruined that movie.

I’m sitting in the back with my buddy Julian. Julian looks and dresses like a total dork. He’s skinny and looks like his Mom picks out his clothes for school every day. He’s got curly brown hair that he keeps real short so it’s neat and trim, like he’s a real straight arrow. But I’ve known Julian for years now and he’s fucking insane. He’s like that kid Damien from the Omen movie. When teachers or parents are around, he’s an angel. He’ll act mild mannered and as courteous as a 13 year old could be, at least when adults are watching. But, if there aren’t any teachers around or the adults have turned their attention away? Forget it. The kid is a total maniac. He’ll burn your house down if he thinks he can get away with it. So I hang with Julian anyway. Even though he looks like a dork.

Julian’s got my number though. For some reason whenever he dares me to do something, I just do it. I know it’s usually a bad idea. No actually, it’s always a bad idea. But something comes over me and I throw my better judgment to the wind. Last winter, he dared me to try and jump over this frozen stream on my bike. It would have been a crazy jump if I’d made it, but I didn’t. It wasn’t even close. In retrospect there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to make it, but I did it anyway, just because Julian called me a chicken for not trying.

Of course, I ended up falling into the freezing stream. I got seriously pissed off at Julian and tried to beat him up afterwards, but I was soaking wet and couldn’t catch him. I swear to god I was so pissed. I was gonna fucking pound him. Then I had to ride my bike home in the freezing cold. I’m lucky I didn’t die from exposure or hypothermia or something. I had to ride 2 miles with the sun going down in the freezing cold. I was numb by the time I got home. Duh. I was pissed off at Julian but even more angry at myself. I mean, what was I fucking thinking? It’s not like I’m Evel Knievel!

Anyway, that’s just one of the stupid things I’ve done when Julian dares me. There’s other dumb stuff too. Like the time I set a whole fucking field on fire. I didn’t think the fire would really get going like it did. Yes, it was a hot and sunny day and all, but it wasn’t like there hadn’t been any rain lately, because there had. Whatever, I’m not even going to get into it. I’ll probably get arrested for copping to it. Sometimes I can be such a dumb-ass. I can’t believe I just told you that.

So, whatever about Julian, he’s not the point. My little brother’s friend Christian though, you probably wouldn’t even believe what a fucking gaylord this kid is. He might even be a little bit retarded or something. Sometimes it’s like he’s drifted off into a make believe world or something, like a little kid. It’s like he’s off in fantasyland even though the two of you are just sitting there talking. He’ll fly his toy X-wing fighter around his head and make rocket ship noises like he’s forgotten where he is or that he’s even been sitting there talking to you. This one time, he even tried to get us to believe he’d seen a Smurf in the woods! Believe me, I haven’t let him forget that one. Whenever I see him I always make it a point to ask him to say “Hi” to Smurfette for me. It’s rare that he manages to come back with anything more creative to say back than “Shut up, Kyle!”

Today though, when the bus gets to our stop (we’re not the last stop, it just seems like it) Julian and I run up so that we’re right behind Jonas and Christian when we’re about to get off. Without really thinking about it, I sort of gently push Christian’s foot with my own when he’s about to go down the bus steps. To my surprise he totally flails and fakes skipping the last two steps off the bus and lands with his face on the ground. Not only does he fake the fall but then he goes and makes a big deal out of it. He even starts to cry! He’s howling that I tripped him and that it’s my fault he fell.

His little act is total bullshit. There’s no way he could have fallen that hard or that far just from the little shove I gave him. Now he’s acting like a total pussy and boo-hooing like I killed his dog or his Mom or something. Mrs. Chute, the bus driver, (she’s a fat fucking tub of lard) parks the bus and gets out to help him up. He starts screaming about how I tripped him and what an asshole I am. Now I’m really pissed off! It takes him a minute or two to calm down while Mrs. Chute inspects him. It looks like he just scraped his elbow a little bit. What a little fucking drama queen. Mrs. Chute asks me if I tripped him and I say “no” because I didn’t! Christian screams that I’m a liar and then he starts mumbling about how messed up he is with scrapes and bruises and shit and about how he ripped his pants. I mean, what do I care about his stupid K-mart pants!

Mrs. Chute asks me again, like she thinks I’m lying and wants me to fess up. I make eye contact with her so she knows I’m not and I tell her I did not trip Christian. “I did, like kick him a little bit by mistake, but I definitely didn’t trip him.” Of course Christian starts howling again about how I’m lying and that I totally intentionally tripped him. Meanwhile Julian is just standing around trying not to laugh, the asshole. He should be sticking up for me!

“Did you trip him or not!?” Mrs. Chute says with her fat fucking face all distorted with frustration.

“I told you, NO!” I say.

“I’m going to talk to Mr. Humphries later, so you and Christian go right to the Vice Principal’s office in the morning. Let him deal with you two.” She gets back on the bus and Jonas and Christian start walking towards the house. I’m left there holding my dick, looking like a total idiot with Julian standing there beside me. When the bus gets a little bit further down the road I run after Christian. He tries to get away, but he’s limping, still putting on this act like I really hurt him. I grab his “Dukes of Hazard” lunchbox and I swing it into the ground. The thing pops open and the thermos, half a sandwich and a Grandma’s chocolate chip cookie spill out onto the ground.

“Hey that’s brand new!” he says.

“Not anymore,” I say as I stomp the thing with my heel for good measure. The lunchbox is totaled. “Maybe next time you won’t go whining to the bus driver like a little baby! Pretending you’re hurt…”

“Why’d you trip him anyway? Quit being such an asshole.” my brother says.

“He knows damn well I didn’t trip him. He’s just putting on a show to get attention and if he ever does it again… I’m gonna hurt him for real and not just his stupid lunchbox either.” I kick the thermos into the road.

“I’m not faking, you jerk!” Christian says.

“Nice comeback.” I say. “Come on Julian.” Julian and I head into the house to see if there are any decent snacks for a change. It’s doubtful, because there’s never anything good to eat around this place.